depression, my beloathed.

07 Apr, 2026

When I'm not doing well, I tend to withdraw from social situations. I can feel myself doing that with Bear Blog, so writing this is a form of opposite action.

Hello, B-Blog. It's hard to tell how I'm doing right now. I haven't left the house since Sunday. I can't pinpoint why that is. Maybe by the end of this post I can figure that out.

I've been adjusting to a new dose of atomoxetine, which could be making me tired; I've been adjusting to the vortioxetine, which could definitely be making me tired. Not sure what's got me feeling like my thoughts are siphoning out of my skull before I can pin them down. Could be the accumulation of sleepless nights and napping during the day.

It's not news that I have trouble sleeping at night. Last night wasn't any different. Tonight won't be any different. It feels safest to sleep during the day and go for walks at night¹.

But it's not possible to be a person in the world and not go out during the day. When I used to work night shifts, I still had to get up and run errands during business hours.

This is all I have to do today, and I guarantee I'm not going to do any of it:

• go to the post office so I can pay my rent
• go to the library and drop off books that are collecting dust
• go to the pharmacy and ask after the status of my order

Which means I have to do it all tomorrow, and I'm not going to go to the laundromat tomorrow, which I know I need to do.

Part of me is coming to terms with the fact that I don't have the willpower necessary to overcome this inertia and part of me is trying to drill sergeant myself into action.

It feels like my depression is a shitty roommate who is just constantly hanging around not doing anything to contribute to the situation, letting things pile up that I then have to maneuver around. I've had shitty roommates like that before, and the anger I've felt in those situations has been enough to mobilize me. So I'm trying to get angry enough at my depression that I feel the need to oppose it.

Right now I'm still in the learned helplessness stage, I guess. There are things that are within my control and things that are not within my control, and whether I leave the house today ought to be something that's within my control. It's like yeah, I can do it, but I'm doing it figuratively encased in cement. Trying to explain the inaction of ADHD is beyond me, at the moment. It's like I have all this energy to focus onto things I'm interested in, like studying and coding, but when it comes to getting dressed and leaving the house, that pathway isn't operational.

Not sure why I felt the need to share this. If anyone else is struggling to get going, you're not alone. About all I'm going to be able to convince myself to do is brush my teeth and change into fresh clothes and prepare some food. That's got to be good enough. I'll try again tomorrow.