day 001 of quitting vaping
Thoughts are kind of muddled today. I've been depressed and it has been either raining or chilly, so I haven't felt like going for a walk in a couple of days, so I haven't even though I know I need to.
Yesterday I applied my first nicotine patch. Today is my first full day on the patch.
I first started smoking when I was 18 years old, and quit for what I thought was good in 2017. Long story short, after moving in with my sister, my sister brought a hookah into the house and started working at a smoke shop. Which means she started vaping. Which means I started vaping. So I made it a good six years with no tobacco. When I had a bad trigeminal neuralgia flare-up I quit smoking again, but I started up after undergoing a rhizotomy to destroy the left-side nerve.
Vaping is somehow an even more disgusting habit than smoking cigarettes is. Between the addictiveness, the electronic waste, and the fact that popcorn lung exists, I feel like a piece of shit every time I buy a new vape. Walking into a gas station, I'm greeted by a wall of brightly-colored packaging in kid-friendly flavors, and I'm even more disgusted. Someone online referred to vapes as "adult pacifiers," and I agreed so hard1.
I justified my decision to start vaping as "I'm using the nicotine to self-medicate depression and ADHD."
Now that I'm on an antidepressant and atomoxetine, and I'm in the pipeline to have top surgery, the only reason I have is a reason to quit. I have no reason to keep vaping.
So I bought the nicotine patches because they've worked before, and yesterday I let myself vape intermittently because habits have to be taken apart atomically, not broken like a bone. Today I've been making note of the compulsion to pick up the vape but not acting on it. Had some weird dreams because I slept with the patch on, but I'm not a guy who remembers his dreams when he wakes up, so you're welcome.
I'm not sure how quitting is going to go when my sister is still vaping, but any opportunity I have to flex my Herculean willpower, I'll take2.